THE REAL DEAL

Jelly Belly Quant hasn't left his mom's basement in years, but he claims to be "deep in the market." He blends astrology, caffeine binges, and anime waifus into a trading strategy so bad it should be illegal. Despite gaining 20 pounds and losing 80% of his portfolio, he still says dump is a "buying opportunity," and every rugpull is just "bad timing." He's never sold a coin for profit, but has mastered the art of buying the top. And yet, no matter how wrecked he gets, he still starts each day with a whisper: "WAGMI, baby."